Money and Relationship: The 7 Secrets of a Successful Marriage

It was a warm summer evening. Karen and I were sitting on the porch, sipping our iced tea and reminiscing about our journey together.

We had been through so much – the ups and downs, the highs and lows, the joys and struggles. But looking back, one thing stood out like a sore thumb – the constant battles we had over money.

“Do you remember when I called you a spendthrift?” Karen chuckled, shaking her head.

“How could I forget?” I replied with a wry smile. “And you were my little tightwad, holding on to every penny like it was the last one on earth.”

We both laughed, but deep down, we knew that those money fights were no laughing matter. They had almost torn us apart, piece by agonizing piece.

Understanding Each Other’s Financial Perspectives

I looked back. I realized that our biggest mistake was not understanding each other’s financial perspectives.

We assumed that money meant the same thing to both of us, but that couldn’t have been further from the truth.

According to Kenneth Doyle, a financial psychologist at the University of Minnesota, there are four distinct “money languages” that people speak:

1. Driver: To a Driver, money means success. It protects against the fear of incompetence, and the more they have, the more competent they feel.
2. Amiable: For an Amiable, money means love and affection. Lack of money means losing the ability to express love.
3. Analytic: Money means security to an analyst. It wards off chaos and problems, and they are well-structured and well-planned.
4. Expressive: Money means acceptance and respect for an Expressive. It purchases the respect and admiration of others.

Karen was an Analytic, and I was an Amiable. For her, money meant security, and she was always thrifty and cautious with our finances. But for me, money meant love, and I loved to express affection through spending.

Once we understood this fundamental difference, we could respect each other’s perspectives. We could also work together to find a middle ground.

“Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?”

Amos 3:3

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Respecting Each Other’s Input

Respect is the foundation of any successful marriage. That includes respecting each other’s financial input.

When Karen and I were constantly judging and belittling each other’s perspectives, it led to resentment and conflict.

“You’re going to die with all your money in your mattress, and nobody will like you,” I had once told Karen, frustrated with her frugal ways.

Her retort had cut me deep: “You won’t have the money to get a mattress.”

We were disrespecting each other’s input, and it was poisoning our marriage. But when we started to listen to each other and value each other’s perspectives, we could make better financial decisions together.

“Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”

Ephesians 4:29

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Communicating Openly About Money

Communication is the lifeblood of any successful marriage. This includes communicating openly about money. Karen and I used to avoid the topic altogether because it was so radioactive for us.

But we started to have open and honest conversations about our finances. This diffused the tension and brought us closer together.

We set boundaries for spending without each other’s approval. We learned to respect those boundaries.

“Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.”

Colossians 4:6

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Making Jesus the Lord of Your Finances

One of the most significant turning points in our financial journey was when we decided to make Jesus the Lord of our finances.

We realized that when we were both trying to control the money, it led to a power struggle and constant conflict.

But when we surrendered our finances to God and started to give and pray together, it brought a sense of peace and unity. We were no longer competing for control; we were submitting to the ultimate authority.

“No one can serve two masters. For either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.”

Matthew 6:24

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Overcoming Financial Challenges in Marriage

Despite our newfound understanding and commitment to making Jesus the Lord of our finances. We still faced financial challenges along the way.

There were times when we were broke, living paycheck to paycheck, and struggling to make ends meet.

But we learned to lean on each other and seek help when we needed it. We attended financial counseling sessions, and read books. We also sought advice from trusted friends and mentors.

And through it all, we never lost sight of the fact that money is not the ultimate goal – a successful marriage is. As long as we were together, facing the challenges side by side, we knew we could overcome anything.

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:2

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The 7 Secrets of a Successful Marriage

Looking back on our journey, we’ve distilled our learning into seven secrets. These secrets have helped us build a successful marriage, even in the face of financial challenges:

1. Marriage Counseling. We attended pre-marital counseling before we got married. This is where we discussed our expectations around money, sex, and other important topics. This helped us lay a solid foundation for our marriage.
2. Joint Finances: We have a “no his and her money” concept. All our income goes into one pot, and we make financial decisions together as a family.
3. Joint Accounts. We have joint accounts for all our income and expenses, ensuring transparency and simplicity in managing our finances.
4. Financial Goals: We have set big financial goals, such as becoming debt-free and building wealth for our family. These goals guide our decisions and keep us focused.
5. Communication. We have regular quarterly away days where we discuss our financial goals, challenges, and plans. This open communication has been crucial in navigating our financial journey together.
6. Simple Lifestyle. We have agreed to live a simple lifestyle, avoiding unnecessary spending. We also focused on what truly matters to us – our family, our faith, and our future.
7. Avoid Discussing Money with Friends: We’ve learned to separate our financial life from our social life. Discussing money with friends can lead to jealousy, resentment, and unrealistic expectations.

By following these seven secrets, we’ve been able to build a successful marriage that has withstood the test of time and the challenges of money.

Key Takeaways

1. Understand each other’s financial perspectives and respect them.
2. Communicate openly and honestly about money.
3. Make Jesus the Lord of your finances and surrender control.
4. Seek help when facing financial challenges in your marriage.
5. Attend marriage counseling and premarital counseling to lay a solid foundation.
6. Adopt a simple lifestyle and set financial goals together.
7. Avoid discussing money with friends to prevent unnecessary tension and comparison.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q. How can we budget effectively as a couple?

A. Budgeting is not just about numbers; it’s about values and priorities. Sit down together, pray, and discuss what’s important to you as a couple.

Allocate your resources accordingly. Giving to the Lord first and then prioritizing other expenses. Be willing to compromise and respect each other’s perspectives.

Q. What if one spouse has a lot of debt from before the marriage?

A. Approach this issue with empathy and understanding. Discuss a plan to pay off the debt together, and make it a joint effort.

Seek financial counseling if needed. And also remember that you’re a team – you’re in this together.

Q. How do we handle financial differences with our in-laws or blended families?

A. Set clear boundaries. Also, communicate your financial values and goals openly with your in-laws or blended family members. Respectfully explain that you and your spouse make financial decisions together. And also ask for their understanding and support.

Q. What if we have different money languages?

A. Embrace your differences and use them to your advantage. If you’re both the same, you’ll have the same strengths and weaknesses. But if you’re different, you can balance each other out and make better decisions together.

Q. How can we keep the romance alive while being financially responsible?

A. Plan regular date nights or weekend getaways that fit within your budget. Get creative with low-cost or free activities that allow you to connect and have fun together. Remember, the most important thing is quality time, not extravagant spending.

By understanding each other’s financial perspectives, and communicating openly. Also, making Jesus the Lord of your finances, you can build a successful marriage that weathers any financial storm. Remember, money is not the goal – a happy, healthy, and thriving marriage is.